XFile:271997
by ZekeFreek
Summary: Crackfic Comedy. Porf Grifith loses his left shoe, which causes a panic in the X-Laws. Jeanne's life is at stake and now they must spread-out and locate and retrieve the shoe before it's too late!Dedicated to Besarki, who gave me the idea.
1. Danger

X-File:271971

Incident Report

Case status: Closed

* * *

[Lyserg's POV]

The year is 2007, it has been seven years since the shaman fight closed. I now sit in a coffee shop with Rutherfor of the Patch. She looks the same as before, a seventeen year old girl, who was not wearing her patch robes as she would attract too much attention dressed like that in the streets of London.

Hardly anybody is in this coffee shop. It's a slow day for businesses around here, not sure why. I looked around from where I sat and saw maybe half a dozen people. A man with a newspaper, three women talking over breakfast, a guy getting some work done on his laptop.

I was called here for what she called, "The SFIT Selective Participant Questionnaire". I wondered what that was for... To ensure greater participant satisfaction from competing in a tournament where we fight to decide the next king?

It sounded more ridiculous the more I thought about it, so I stopped. Instead of her patch robes, Rutherfor wore a loose black T-shirt with frills on the back and dark brown Capri pants. All in all, she looked quite nice. She spoke to me, "Could you describe any events outside of the ring that may be of note?".

I sat and pondered that for a moment, but then it hit me. Oh, yes it hit me. The most ridiculous ordeal I ever had with the X-Laws. Sitting back in my chair, as I reached for my coffee I replied, "Yes, I think I could indeed...". I took a lengthy drink, as I would be talking for quite a while with this one...

* * *

[Third Person- X-File 271971]

"Marco? What exactly are we waiting for?", asked Lyserg in a mutually bored expression. He and the X-Laws had just been sitting around on the dock for a half an hour. He had passed the time by doing trivial activities like kicking rocks up and down the pier, polishing his pistol, pretending to listen to another of Marco's justice speeches, looking at clouds, polishing his pistol, skipping rocks, polishing his pistol, laying back and throwing a rock into the air and then catching it, comparing different rocks he found, polishing his pistol, repeatedly checking how cold the water was, contemplate how much he wanted to kill Hao, polishing his pistol...

Sitting on the pier, swinging his legs back and forth above the water, he seemed to notice a theme in his actions. For some reason, most of them involved rocks. He shrugged, and started to fix his hair. "We are waiting for Porf to return with the key, for without it, we cannot get into the boat".

Lyserg sighed, the key... only one key existed to unlock the doors leading inside the X-Cargo Ship. Lyserg felt the need to nitpick, "Why do we only have one key, again?". Marco stood there without moving a single muscle, looking off into the ocean. "Think about it, if we had more than one key, say, two keys, the risk of a key falling into the hands of evil increases by 100%. And if we all had a key, the risk increases to 900%. That, Lyserg, is not a number I feel comfortable with, do you?", he finished, not moving anything but his mouth.

Lyserg blushed a little, feeling the pressure of a re-directed question that he never expected, "No no no, your right, one key is best". Time passed, his thoughts drifted to many various topics, Yoh, the upcoming fights, the Patch, Hao, his parents, Hao, the Iron Maiden... his train of thought suddenly drew a blank, something about Maiden Jeanne and there being only one key made him attempt an experiment in self-discipline.

Suddenly, a shout was heard in the distance. Lyserg turned his head to see a bald man in uniform running towards them. But something was off, like he was running with a limp or something. As he got closer, Lyserg realized that it was because Porf was missing his left shoe.

"Captain Marco! We have an emergency!", he yelled, halting when he entered the circle of X-Law members sitting around. Marco turned around, the first time he had moved in almost an hour, and replied, "That can wait, now give me the key to the boat".

Porf gulped, sensing the upcoming tension, "But Captain, that's just it! I've lost the key!". And for a moment, everything was silent. Lyserg actually began twiddling his thumbs. Marco's face darkened, and Porf took a step back with his bare foot.

Marco noticed this and pointed it out, "Porf, where is your shoe?".

"That's what I'm trying to tell ya, sir. I've lost it!"

"THAT is your emergency?"

"Yes!"

"That can wait, now give me the key so we can get into the boat"

"But, Captain..."

"Porf, give me the key!"

"The Key was inside of my shoe!"

"Well then go get it!"

"I told'ya, I lost it!"  
"WHAT!?!?!"

Marco's expression was of anger and shock, like finding out you weren't really a savior of mankind and that you were actually just a normal person. Lyserg shook his head, nah, that kind of thing doesn't happen.

"Do you have ANY IDEA what you have done!?!?!", shouted Marco, and Porf began to cower in fear. Marco clutched his face and shattered his glasses... again. Damn, they can deflect bullets but not human hand? Lyserg stood up, "Why is it that bad?", he asked cautiously.

"Today was a scheduled drill #51786. Do you recall, Porf?"

"No... not Drill #51786... it can't be...", Porf replied.

"You don't mean THE #51786?", asked Kevin, who also stood up to the discussion.

"But #51786 is... just...", stated Meene, before she was too shocked to say anymore.

Lyserg sighed, "Okay, what exactly is Drill #51786?". Marco lowered his head in shame, "#51786... Bomb Disablement and Procedure... the bomb is on an automatic timer, and Lady Jeanne is still inside the boat!", Lyserg gasped and turned red. The entire group was speechless.

"Marco, how long do we have until the bomb goes off?", asked Venstar, getting right to the point. Marco checked his ridiculously expensive wrist-watch, "We have exactly... six hours, five minutes and fifty-three... no wait fifty-two... fifty-one... Gah! We have six hours and five minutes!".

"So, we have six hours?", asked Lyserg, again nitpicking even in this dangerous ordeal. Marco nearly whacked him, "EVERY SECOND COUNTS, LYSERG!!! THE MAIDEN'S LIFE IS AT STAKE HERE!!". Lyserg clenched his fists, Marco was right, there was time for silly nitpicking. This was serious.

"Porf! Where was the last place you left your shoe!?!", asked Denbat from the sidelines. Porf shook his head, "I don't know! One moment it was there on my foot... and the next it was gone!". That wasn't good enough for Marco, who grabbed Porf by the shoulders, "That's not good enough me! This... is... the... Maiden's life... we're talking about! YOU NEED TO REMEMBER!!!", he shook Porf violently.

Porf tried to regain his train of thought, but Marco's violent shaking wasn't helping. "Marco! It has to be somewhere on his island!", said Meene, who didn't like to see Porf being violently shook like this... assuming their was a right way to violently shake someone.

Marco put Porf down, and Porf nearly fell over from lack of balance. "Your right, Meene. Porf's shoe has to be somewhere! X-LAWS!!! We have a mission, now! Spread out and find Porf's shoe! Remember Maiden-sama's life is at stake here!".

Lyserg couldn't help himself, "Marco, why don't we just break open the ship with an oversoul and deactivate the bomb?", to which Marco turned to face hims sharply. "Are... you kidding!?! Do you how hard it is to get enough funding for an organization like us to afford a boat like that!?!?!". Lyserg blushed, feeling like a complete and total idiot. What was he thinking? Saving Jeanne's life at the minimal damage to an inanimate object, how stupid was he?

"Meene! Larch! Search the Southern part of the island! Kevin! Denbat! Search the West! Porf! Lyserg! Search the East! Venstar, you and me are heading north!", to which all the members shouted a simultaneous "Yes, sir!" and hurried off.

Lyserg stood alone with Porf on the pier and Porf looked down at the boy, "Hey, Lyserg. I can't go around like this... Could you find me a temporary replacement quick?". Lyserg nodded and saluted Porf, who saluted back as Lyserg ran off on his little sub-mission.

* * *

Iacta: Well that's a little intro chapter. BTW, this fanfic is dedicated to Besarki who gave me the idea. Thanks. :)


	2. Vengeance

X-File: 271971

(Continued)

Lyserg walked down the dirt road through the forest. He kicked a rock along with him, and had his hands stuffed into his pockets, which in the short shorts he was wearing were barely deep enough for his hands to fit. He was kind of hoping his first official X-Law mission would be a little more... well... more than getting a spare shoe for Porf. Lyserg shook his head, "No! This is deeper than that! This about Maiden-sama's life!", he told himself, and then quickly spun in a 360 to see if anybody was around to hear him talk to himself about Jeanne. He wiped his forehead, "phew...", there was nobody.

Or was there? High up in the trees there was a long-haired guy listening in. His cloak blew in the breeze, as he muttered, "Oh? What's this?". A small figure sat beside him, the long-haired man patted the smaller on the head and said, "Be my eyes...".

Lyserg pondered the possibility of buying a new shoe. He ran into the village, until he saw a tailor's shop.

* * *

Meanwhile...

"Do you see it!?", shouted Marco as he marched through tall grass in search of the M.I.A shoe. Venstar perked up and shook his head, and continued digging through bushes. Marco stood there in the wind and angled his head to make his glasses glare in the sunlight. Venstar noticed this and asked, "Wouldn't this be easier if you helped, sir?", to which Marco did not move an inch and replied, "We are on a search and rescue mission, Venstar, it's the leader's job to stand in the middle and look serious while everybody looks".

Venstar opened his mouth, but then Marco replied, "Time is a factor!" and Venstar quickly forgot what he was arguing about and started sifting around the grass like mad. Marco continued standing there with a serious look on his face, wondering how the others were faring.

* * *

Kalim looked at Lyserg intently, showing all varieties of of very similar shoes. Brown patchworks and some that looked like a leather pouch with a robe on it. "I only need one shoe though", he said looking up at the man, who ran behind the counter and digged out a paper sign that read, "We only sell in pairs", written in what looked like blue crayon. Lyserg sighed and pointed to any random pair of shoes. Kalim grinned and held them up in one hand and replied, "9500 Yen". Lyserg sighed again and pointed to himself for reference and told the man, "I'm british...".

"Oh!", Kalim exclaimed and dropped the shoes and pulled a calculator out of a drawer. After a relatively long period of calculations he smiled and said, "Forgive me, 70 pounds then!". Lyserg's jaw dropped, "70 pounds for a lunch bag with a string on it!?!". Kalim looked confused and began talking about how much work went into the production of these shoes and that they are made from only the best materials and how the tradition of shoe-making has been passed down from generation to generation... But Lyserg was no longer paying any attention, as he was looking at a spectator who had a milkshake. Lyserg's eyes went wide as he played a flashback in his head...

[Flashback in italics]

_Several Weeks Previous..._

_  
_

_The four travelers were passing through a town in the American west and stopped at a diner. Ryu was reading a local newspaper, Horohoro and Ren were arguing about something and Lyserg just came back with a milkshake. "Oh hold on... I forget my change!", said, running back to the counter, setting the milkshake on the adjacent table by mistake. It was at this time that Yoh came back from the restroom and spotted the milkshake. _

_  
_

_ "Hey Ryu, did you see who left this here?", to which Ryu looked over the newspaper and shook his head. Yoh shrugged, "Can't let this go to waste...", as he took a sip. Lyserg came back to the group to see that Yoh had finished his milkshake, Lyserg dropped his change on the floor and sat back down as Yoh apologized. _

_  
_

[Flashback end]

Lyserg grinned as a plan entered his brain and he ran off. "Hey wait! I was just getting into my great-grandfather's knack for knitting!" shouted Kalim as he sighed at another customer lost. Lyserg ran to where he knew Yoh was staying, he knew what to do. "Vengeance will be mine!", he muttered to himself as he ran.

--

Lyserg carefully scaled the outside of the building until he reach a second floor window only to hear Yoh shout something about being sorry and the window shattered and Lyserg lost his balance and fell to the ground. "Ergh... that was that about?", he said to himself as he could swear he heard Anna shout something else, but he couldn't make it out. Lyserg peered in from the first floor window and his eyes darted across the room only he was a closet by the doorway. "Bingo!", he whispered as he noticed that Tamao was cooking something not more than 5 feet from the closet. Lyserg snapped his fingers and then had an idea, he clutched a rock and lifted the window open and tossed it at the fire extinguisher. Judging from the resulting mess that occurred, he concluded that it hit it's mark.

He snuck into the room as Tamao ran upstairs to tell Anna. He mission-impossible style rolled himself to the closet door and swung it wide open and spotted one of Yoh's sandals and grabbed it and ran right out the front door.

A few minutes later the three of them stood in the mess of a kitchen and Anna said that Tamao would have to clean it up. Yoh offered to help but Anna told him to go get more ingredients to replace what had been ruined. He slid on one sandal and raised an eyebrow. "Anna? Do you know where my other sandal is?". Her response was a typical "Check the closet!". Yoh dug through pair after pair of shiny new black boots. "Sheesh! How many spare boots does Faust need?" he said to himself while digging through dozens of black boots.

* * *

Lyserg's face shined at a mission completed, as Porf awkwardly said, "Uh... thanks Lyserg... this'll work great... i think...", and limped along as they went off to join the search for his missing shoe. Lyserg smiled at a job well done.

* * *

Iacta: Well Chapter Two is complete. Tune in next time! :)


End file.
